Confessions?

After enjoying a week off between school subterms I am back at the books. That week was fun but in many ways emotional so I have a lot on my mind. And in this I have a couple of confessions to make.

Last thursday I went to a wedding. My handsome husband was in the bridal party as one of the handsome groomsmen (sorry mr. groom but IMO my man was the handsomest guy up there) so I sat with some of my awesome guy friends.

Confession #1

Weddings are one of the few things that can bring out the girliest part of me.

They make me shriek, giggle and blush. I get excited about finding the perfect gift for the couple, knowing what the color theme is, what the flowers will be like, where the bride got her dress, reception centerpieces, where they are going for the honeymoon, and the mushy love story that every engaged couple loves to tell a million times over.

And weddings are one of the few events that I not only care about dressing up for but get excited about.

I have this pair of ridiculous 3inch heels. I wear them maybe once a year.. and even then they usually end up coming off half way thru whatever event I am attending. (I always have a pair of flip flops with me... ya can't go wrong with flip flops)

Yep, definitely got the girly out of me for a while. Don't expect to see me in a skirt anytime soon.

Confession #2

I cried a little at aforementioned wedding.

This does NOT happen. I never cry about anything. Not at movies, not at weddings. It was just such a beautiful wedding. And I was reminded of my own marriage. (Not that this was hard considering that my own hubby was standing 3 ft from the groom.) I was overwhelmed in that moment being reminded of how awesome it is to love and be loved by the right person at the right time.

*Tangent warning*

My relationship has been criticized many a time. Clint and I love each other so very much but we have quirky ways of showing it. I think the thing that a lot of people do not understand is that I truly did marry my best friend. I love just hanging out with my husband. He is my favorite person to do just about everything with. Yeah, we "argue" in public. If you spend enough time with us you learn very quickly that these "arguments" are just us messing with each other.

The other thing about us is that even in our rough patches there is always one thing we hold each other to. And that is God. God started out as the center of this relationship, he still and and will always be. We know know and acknowledge that with out him nothing in our lives could work. This is despite the disappointment and frustration we have faced in life situations. God continues to be our center.

Ok I better end this random tangent while I can cause I could rant about the things that people have said about our relationship for ever. But that is a post for another time.

*End Random Tangent*

Confession #3

I am the queen of knee jerk reactions.

Last week something happened that initially cause me to have a negative attitude and reaction. I was thankful that despite the fact that my reaction was knee-jerk, I managed to get by without saying something to someone that I would regret.

Self control is key when it comes to emotions. We are all faced time after time with situations that can cause a knee-jerk reaction. You know what I am talking about. Those times when you are told something and then you speak your emotions before you have a chance to think about them.

Sometimes knee-jerk reactions are accurate. Other times they could not be further from the actual reality of the situation, which was the case in the situation I encountered this past week. After some prayer and consideration I realized that I was wrong in my initial reaction. And while I am still not sure what exactly God is going to do in it, I know that my initial reaction was one of fear and a lack of trust.

~~

Well, that's about it for now friends. Only one more thing I want to mention- I have been reading a lot lately. It is something I am trying to make an effort to do more despite my busy schedule. This past weekend I read "The Christian Atheist" By Craig Groeschel. I have been wanting to write a blog post about it so I will probably do that tonight to post tomorrow.

I also started reading "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne which I am very excited about. Next on my list to read is "Exponential" by Dave Furgeson and Jon Furgeson. There is a story about how Clint and I discovered that book but that is a story for a future post.

(LDJE)

take it or leave it....

So I mentioned in my last post that I was excited because having quit my job I feel more like myself and in many ways less stressed out. I mean yes, I am stressed about finding a new job but in many ways I am so relieved to be out of there. If you know me at all you know that there were many reasons for me to get out of there and just how bad that job stressed me out to the point that it was even affecting my health.

I am just really excited because being able to wear my chunky earrings and my nose ring I feel more comfortable because like it or not that's who I am.

I am a crazy random girl. I love my tapers,my gauged out ears with a billion holes, my nose ring and short choppy messy looking hair (and someday colored). I love purple and fairies and black. My favorite clothes to wear are guys hoodies, dark torn up jeans, random goofy t-shirts and either vans or flip flops. I love goofing off with my friends, playing video games and watching crazy television shows like Dr. Who. I can be the loudest most obnoxious person in the room or the one sitting in the corner that you barely notice all depending on my mood and who I am around. I have a heart for people.I love studying psychology and criminal justice and i am eager to have my degree and start working in some capacity that uses it.

I have had people hint to me that I need to grow up. Forget about my tapers and crazy bunches of holes in my ears and my ideas for tattoos. People have said oh hey well if your gonna have kids some day you are gonna have to grow up. Get rid of all that and start looking like a grown up.

I counter back with this. I AM grown-up! Just because my looks, hobbies , interests don't seem mature or grown up to you doesnt mean that I wont make it in life. Like it or not times are changing.

I am not sure what career I will have but I am confident in the fact that my quirky looks arent going anywhere. Unless God leads me otherwise I will continue to be the pierced quirky person that I am inside and out. I know that God has a plan for me. Like I said, I dont know what my future job will be. But I dont plan on changing my looks for a job unless God leads me otherwise.

I feel like the world is changing is so very much and I want to be a part of it. I think the church is on the verge of change as well. There are so many problems with todays church that I think our generation is going to at least attempt to change. But that is a post for another day.

And as far as the having kids thing. I do not think that having short hair, piercings, tattoos or playing video games is being a bad example or make a person a bad parent. My husband has no problem with the way I look because he knows that it is who I am as a person. He encourages it.

Being judged is a part of this judgmental world. We are all guilty of judging books by their covers. Thing is I dont care any more. I am who I am unapologetically. Given certain situations I will tone it down in order to be respectful but I will not change who I am simply because some one thinks it is immature or unchristian.

Outward appearance does not determine salvation. God takes us as we are. Having piercings and tattoos and girls having short hair is not a sin.

This is something that I have been working on a lot lately. Being myself no matter what. I, like most people tend to care too much about what others think of me. I was fake for so many years. That is no more.

This is me. Take it or leave it.

(LDJE)

lets catch you up world...

Since my last post a lot has changed. I still live in the middle of no where town of Upland. I still love Ivanhoes. I still love my most amazing husband and my adorable puppy.

But it has been challenging that is for sure.

My life is so very random. Its not predictable. This is something that I love and hate all at the same time. I love it because predictable can be boring to me. I do love change to a certain extent. It is exciting and energizing. But I also hate change. Because it is stressful and because I am a self admitted control freak.

The job i mentioned in my last post, I quit this past weekend.

There were a lot of reasons for this. The biggest one being that I felt God leading me to it. In this I feel comfort - knowing that I did what God asked of me. But at the same time I am so incredibly stressed out by the fact that I am once again find myself unemployed in one of the poorest counties in the state.

As God began to convict me to quit this job my biggest concern was being sure that I was not just making myself think it was God because of how bad I wanted to get out of that job. That job was by far the worst job I have ever had. I prayed about this. I talked it over with people I trust (and I love you all btw Clint, Anna, Ashley, Joe)

And then I did it. A couple of things happen that surprised me.

The first was that it went relatively well considering everything.

The second thing was support and encouragement of my coworkers. I told my manager in the office and after it was done I went to each of the people there and told them. I wanted them to hear from me that I quit just in case any rumor spread around that I was fired. Because of some of the problems I have had there I wanted to make sure there were plenty of people who could attest to that fact that I did indeed quit. As I told the girls up front I was greeted with hugs, some near tears, and offers of references and job hunt helps.

Then the thing that made me the happiest. I have been having problems sleeping the past few months. The past 2 nights have been the best sleep I think I have ever had.

I got home and put my "real" nose ring in and my favorite giant purple and green tapers in my ears. I felt like myself again. Like a breathe of fresh air had come over me.

I am still scared. There is a lot that still needs to be settled.

I need to find a new job as soon as possible. And I know I will be getting a probably not so nice call from the store manager within the next day or so.

I know that God will provide but this is still very scary for me. This week is going to be a long one. Even with out work I have a lot going on. It is all good but busy nonetheless.

I just gotta keep my head up and remember that my goal is to live not just exist (LDJE)